Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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