This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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