I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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