my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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