You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
