i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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