she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
