i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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