Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hippo gnu deer
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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