I wish my penis had an off switch
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
