my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
