I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im holly from the hills drunk
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
