You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
