Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
