My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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