the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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