I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
