Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
