How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize