I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
