I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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