so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
