I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Welp...herpes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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