I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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