And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!