I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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