I accidentally burped into my bong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
