the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
