There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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