This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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