You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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