Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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