I hate your face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
