one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
