I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
