Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
