i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
