I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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