im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
