evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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