i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
