GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
