Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have aggressive nipples.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
