dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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