I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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