but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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