We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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