i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
