How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
