Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
