He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
