R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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