You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
