If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
