I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
