I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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