I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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