dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We have so much sex to catch up on
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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