I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
