When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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