70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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